A Lesson in Love
by S Cross

He looks too young. Younger than he is, which is younger than I can remember ever feeling. Gazing at him again as he sleeps I realize that it's not his youth that disturbs me as much as the open vulnerability of his face. It's far too unguarded to belong to a Luthor; far too hairless, which only adds to the vulnerability. He can't hide anything. His face and body are too expressive, even though he mimics my calm and aloof stance perfectly, there are differences - crucial differences. His eyes give him away and the bad habit he has of reflexively swallowing when he's upset. The involuntary tensing of his mouth and even his entire body as he tries to keep up his internal walls. But it's a faade and one I could knock down with just a word or two. Words I won't give him, as desperately as he wants to hear them. Lex - you try so hard to pretend that what I think of you doesn't matter but I know that it's all that matters. It's all that's ever mattered, until recently.

My eyes skim over his sleeping form. He's unaware that I'm here, in the middle of the night. I could rationalize that I've watched him countless times in his sleep since the night he was born - that this is normal. Of course it's not, but it's necessary. He won't talk to me and keeps running from my authority. Lex has never appreciated that I know what's best for him, that I and only I can guide him to the greatness he is meant for. Perhaps in his sleep, I can see what he's so afraid of me finding out. Perhaps if I catch him completely unaware in the dead of night, he will reveal what he keeps so secret in the light of day. I have my suspicions.

My dear boy is too easily distracted from what's important. His mother could be blamed for his weakness. This need he seems to have to connect with people, inappropriate people, on a friendly level. Misguided loyalty to those who will stab him in the back the first chance they get because he is meant for more than just living a normal life. If only I could make him see that. No matter what lessons I force on him, my disobedient child refuses to believe that greatness demands personal sacrifice. I could blame his mother. I try not to. Instead I try to undo the damage she caused without being aware of it. A desired pregnancy, difficult birth, a sick childhood - this and more bound them to each other in ways I was not a part of. She coddled him and unknowingly bred weakness into Lex. When Lillian died, I grieved and then moved on. Lex has never gotten over it and still reaches out for that missing affection and deadly need to give his complete trust to another. It's suicidal and could get him killed. A Luthor can't afford to trust anyone.

I stepped closer to his bed and felt angry with him. It's a familiar anger that has nothing and everything to do with how I love him. The young fool is still oblivious to my presence. I could be a stalker intent on strangling him. Perhaps I am. I certainly want to shake some sense into him or throw him against a wall and demand he bend to my will. That's pretty ironic when I think about it. I've raised him to be strong-willed but that was supposed to exclude him from fighting against me. I expected it when Lex was a little younger. That adolescent need to break from my grip was something I thought I was prepared for, a good opportunity to teach a few harsh lessons and make them sink in bone deep.

Lex took it too far. He rebelled in public, where he thought he could hurt me the most. Where he could get a rise out of me and slip past my tight controls. It worked. If he wanted me to lose my temper and prove just how dangerous I could be and how much power I had over his life - it certainly worked. Then I got the biggest surprise, something totally unexpected. Lex liked me out of control. His entire childhood had been spent trying to please me but seemingly overnight that had changed. He was determined to enrage me as much as possible and take the media along for the ride.

Lex took to getting arrested just to spite me and in the most outlandish ways possible. Hanging out at every seedy, dangerous club in Metropolis and the more I clamped down on him the harder he fought against me. I spent a small fortune on doing as much damage-control as possible. It didn't stop him from getting a juvenile record longer than my arm which cost another fortune to bury. His eyes lit up with excitement whenever I confronted him about his behavior. He got off on pissing off `the old man'. I hit him once, hard, after he blew up the chemistry lab at the Metropolis University and got expelled. He laughed and said that he finally discovered what it took to bring out my violent nature but I saw the fear in his eyes that I wouldn't stop with one punch. Worse, behind the fear was the hope that I would hit him again. Lex wanted me to touch him and if I wouldn't give him a hug then a blow would do just as well. That insight angered me more than he'll ever know. It makes me want to hurt him badly and give him what he thinks he wants. I stepped closer to him, my knees touching the bed and slowly I sat beside him and wished he had hair that I could stroke in resignation.

I felt a cold smile spread across my face. I knew how to break him. It's not something I wanted to do. I've spent years honing him for his role as my heir. He's not a child anymore and the gloves are off. I don't need to protect him but I do need to show him that his current path is wrong. If he gets more involved with these yokels he calls friends then what use is he to me? But I have seen moments that have made me immensely proud. He can be a cold calculating son of a bitch. His tactics against Sir Harry proved that. A certain hired man tied up in his trunk and Lex warning me to keep out of his affairs proved that he was able to take care of himself. The ability to work hard and make successful something that he despises like the fertilizer plant is a good sign. He's ready to be my right-hand man. Except for a glaring flaw - Lex is too sentimental and lets his emotions rule. He simply feels too much and that leaves him open to attack. It's a lesson he has yet to accept. And who better to give that lesson than me? Yes, I know how to break him and the trick is not to go too far but to get my point across. It's what has really brought me here tonight. I know my son's weakness, better than he does. I know what he craves the most and I took a deep breath and prepared myself to deliver the blow. It is after all, for his own good.

Gently, I leaned over and caressed his face. He nuzzled against my hand and a small smile covered his lips. Oh Lex, what am I to do with you? You are far too trusting, son. A sigh escaped from him and he softly whispered, "Clark?" My hand withdrew, a knot of anger twisting my stomach. He wouldn't dare - would he? I almost laughed in nervous shock. I hardened my heart against what had to be done. I didn't want to think about the implications involved in that whisper of hope.

I ripped the covers from him and closed a hand around his throat as his shocked body instantly wakened. Interesting - he sleeps in the nude and the picture of vulnerability was complete.

Gasping, Lex gripped my arm and pulled my hand from his neck. "What the fuck!" Lex shot up to a sitting position and blinked, trying to adjust his eyes to the darkness. Then he saw me and his eyes widened in disbelief. "Dad? What the hell are you doing?" In a heartbeat my insolent child's sarcastic defenses were up. "Decided to finally take me out of the game or is this some sick fantasy you've managed to keep hidden from me?"

I chuckled, he really is a delight. "I was simply watching you sleep."

Lex snorted in derision. "And then you got the urge to choke me?"

I smiled and said coldly, "You thought I was Clark. Clark Kent? That overgrown farm boy you're friends with...or is there a lot more to it than friendship? You're playing with fire, son."

"Clark is none of your business. Get out." He was angry and I could see him try to control the shudders that swept over his body. There was fear too, I had startled him badly, and that was all good. It would make this easier and so much sweeter.

"Lex...I only want to keep you safe and prevent you from doing something incredibly stupid. I don't want to fight."

Lex fingered his throat and glared at me. "You have a strange way of looking out for my best interests. I think I can do without your concern. Now leave."

I had to admire the way he coolly looked at me, refusing to cover up his nakedness. It was possible he hated me at that moment. He was scared but I don't think so much for himself as for his friend, Clark. I smiled and reached out, caressing his face again but this time he flinched.

"I really don't want to fight," I whispered. "You mean everything to me, Lex. You are my flesh and blood." I stood over him and held his face in both my hands. He was staring up at me, uncertain how to take my confession. Words I have never said to him before. Words designed to break down his walls and render him to my will. "I know it's never been easy between us," I continued, "I know I've hurt you. I had to prepare you, Lex. It's a harsh world and the wealth and power you have inherited will make you a hated man. I had to tell you that. It's time I told you. Please, stop fighting against me. Stand with me, son, and accept your destiny."

My words were tender, sincere and truthful. I leaned down and kissed his forehead. If he hadn't already been in shock, that would do it. I've never kissed him before, not ever. For the final twist, I sat down beside him and gathered his nude body close to me and whispered in his ear. "Forgive me." I felt him tremble, all of him. It wouldn't take much to make him break apart. A moment of indecision came over me. Would he be strong enough to recover? He was a Luthor, he would survive even my betrayal and be stronger for it. I closed my eyes and smiled, tasting victory. I hugged him closer and ran my hand down his lean back. Lex was so slender and I worried that he might still be that fragile child that suffered from asthma and countless fears. But childhood was over and emotions had to be controlled or he'd be eaten alive. "I love you. I have always loved you." These were the words that he had wanted to hear from me for his entire life. These were the words that could destroy. Love and hate dance on the edge of a blade. Perfect balance is the key and a concept I've tried to drill into his impetuous skull for far too long.

The boy tried to pull back but I held him firmly against me. His trembling got worse. "I love you," I repeated, twisting the knife and tearing through all the soft hidden parts inside him. I wanted to cry out in triumph when I felt him shudder and desperately fight against the sobs which constricted his chest. "Let it out, Lex," I encouraged. I kissed him again and that did it, he began to cry, and I haven't heard him cry since his mother died. I pulled him onto my lap and cradled him as he wept. I made all those comforting, hushing sounds that parents give their children when their hearts are breaking. He melted against me and hugged me back, clutching tightly to my shirt and suit jacket. It felt wonderful but it saddened me because I couldn't have this and make him the man he needed to be. If he dared to be this exposed, this needy with anyone else...like the Kent boy...he would be ruined.

My voice grew hard. "Enough." I shoved him away, hard enough that he bounced once on his mattress as I forcefully broke our embrace. "You are weak, Lex, far too weak to rule beside me yet. Get a hold of yourself, son."

Tears stained his face and Lex looked up at me, bewildered and hurt. "What?" he gasped in confusion.

"How many times have I told you that your sentimental tendencies are your biggest weakness? Look at you! Bawling like a baby. You never fail to disappoint me."

Lex angrily wiped away his tears and stood up, facing me. That was better, at least. "You sick bastard! That was a test?" Much better.

"Everything is a test, Lex. And you failed this one as I knew you would."

"Love isn't supposed to be a fucking weapon," Lex growled.

"Love is the perfect weapon, son," I countered and turned to leave, feeling rather smug. At his bedroom doorway, I turned and saw him standing there. Fists clenched, stripped of far more than clothing. I smiled. The lesson was over and I knew he'd be thinking of nothing but how I held him and how he'd cried in my arms, my paternal kisses and soothing words, how much he wanted my complete approval. No matter how hard he tried to deny it, Lex wanted what I had given him tonight. He would want me to give that to him again, accepting my terms. He would come to me when I asked, loving and hating me in just the right balance. But he would come and he would fight against me but in the end he would submit to my will. I knew him better than he knew himself, after all. I have created him on every level. He was all mine. It would take a force not born of this earth to ever change that.

"Goodnight, Lex." I closed the door softly behind me and felt damn good.

The End